Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.