You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
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My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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