if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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