Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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