you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
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That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
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My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Damn victory sex feels great
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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