Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
