you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
