i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
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