My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
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