This is not my ceiling
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
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I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
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I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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