I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
