wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
