Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
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i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
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It was a blind-side dick pic.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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