More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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