i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
