So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
