the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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