my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
