my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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