is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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