sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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