i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
