guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
