You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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