i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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