I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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