God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
