This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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