im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
