I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
