I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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