Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I just made out with a guy for $7.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Randomize
