I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
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I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
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I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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