Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
