somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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