i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
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