Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
