Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
