ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
