FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
