I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
