new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
