We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
