Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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