Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
