never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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