finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
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Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
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I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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