She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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