You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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