We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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