I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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