this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
