phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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