I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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