Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
