i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
