If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
