it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
