is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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