You can't special order awesome
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
