I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
