Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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